I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
