im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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