You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
