Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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