hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
