saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
There's always time for handjobs
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
