I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
