I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
