Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
