Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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