sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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