Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
