I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
