I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
