the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Is it because I queefed?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
