I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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