if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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