somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
