I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
