i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
