I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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