I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
