i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
