you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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