I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
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