I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
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