Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
It's Friday. Sex?
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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