i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
