How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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