Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
