Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
