I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
