This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
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And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
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we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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