Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
