insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
