eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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