I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Randomize
