Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I need moral support for this bender
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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