My hair reeks of homosexuality.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
