went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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