I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
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