Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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