'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I looked at my own cervix.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
