JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
My legs feel like baby dolphins
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
