I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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