The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
