forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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