Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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