remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
be right there i have to get my cape
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
