Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
