all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
