I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
