Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Randomize
