Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
