he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I want her autograph on my taint
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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