i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
