my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
