i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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