im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Randomize
