you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
