I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
the liver wants what the liver wants
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
