You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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