my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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