He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
you made out with another girl for some wings
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
