i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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