Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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