Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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